I am sad today.
Our air is often extremely polluted. Today it feels so discouraging.
Here is the AQI (Air Quality Index) scale.
We are off the charts. Again.
I want to go now.
The effects of breathing our air are very serious and dangerous to health.
This is the air my babies breathe into their developing lungs.
I hate it.
At sunrise I could see that it was a crappy air day. Zero visibility outside, in a cloud of gray. Haze is even visible in the living room. I checked the AQI (air quality index): Soaring off the scale at 500+. On an autumn day that should be perfect for letting a pleasant breeze through the house, I closed all the windows so our air filtration fans can do their job. At least our interior air can be a little better.
So we're at 500, and typically Beijing's international schools will cancel all outdoor activities at 200. It was a sad moment when, after putting on shoes and little backpacks, I put air pollution masks on my boys so we could walk to school.
As a young lady dreaming, I never imagined raising my family in a world where my children can't go outside to play because the air is so bad it damages their bodies. I never imagined my mother's before-school script would be, "Did you brush your teeth? It's time to go, put your shoes and mask on."
I'm ashamed to admit this. From behind my mask I glared at every person we met on the road.
I despise your air.
Arriving at school, the teacher said, "Mai Mai you look so cool!" I snapped back, "It's not cool at all. Pollution is over 500 today, it's extremely unhealthy."
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These masks are highly rated for adults but actually don't fit children's faces properly.
I went online today and bought new kid masks for $30 USD each. |
I shouldn't have gone out running after that, but foolishly and defiantly, I did. Wore the mask. Mountain entirely eclipsed by gray curtain. Stoplights fuzzied as if in a cloud of smoke.
I felt so sad.
Earlier in the week I was sitting in a cafe feeling angst about living in Changsha and thereby not giving Titus and Mike the best -- real or perceived -- in many aspects of life. God brought this to mind: All is grace. No matter where you are, all is grace. I wrote that in my notebook.
See, I've been more hung up on what my kids lack than what they have. I have a pretty inappropriate sense of entitlement. All is grace. Unmerited favor. Gifts everywhere. Life itself. This is not a silly exercise in counting your blessings. This is knowing that God does not owe you a thing and yet, he has given you everything. Consider, what are his gifts but everything? My feeble movements of gratitude are never sufficient. The fact that I was crafted into existence, restored from death to life at a costly price, am sustained, forever secure in Jesus, is that a small thing? Is it a small thing that I have a tender and intimate relationship with the Holy Creator God? That His love for me is so fierce and boundless that I can't begin to get my mind around it? And I am sitting in this cafe fretting.
No matter where you are, all is grace.
That was Tuesday in the cafe. I think God gave me that little encouragement then knowing I'd need it for today, Friday.
I'm running in the most hazardous degree of air pollution on the plant, trying to stir up an argument with God, get some answers, get him to talk. Well! You called us here. I know you did, that you made perfectly clear. Now what do you have to say about this air! What am I supposed to do about my children? Doesn't it grieve you that their bodies are being damaged? Are you trying to kill us? Do you care? Don't you know that children need to play outside? That I like running outside? Maybe we should go back to Minnesota.
Home, I'm showering off the filth. My Father's voice is gentle and wise in contrast to my brashness, his words come to my heart even more clearly than sound could be to my ears, "Rachel, will you follow me into this too?"
With a vision of the carcinogenic haze outside, "Rachel, will you follow me into this too?"
I weep aloud because
A) This is painful.
B) I know my Father's love. I know what he has done to demonstrate his love for us. There is no one like Him. There is no love like his love. My heart is all his, I'm in, like plunging into deep water. This is not obedience begrudgingly, trust cautionary. This is having been completely and unreservedly won over, no longer under compulsion but being fully convinced that He is the way.
I have counted the cost.
Yes.
Into this too, I will follow you.
counting the graces more than ever
thank you Father for
family activity hosted by kindergarten today, chance to connect with two specific parents
evening with J
Mike's generosity with kisses
practicing the small no so I can give the best yes
dreaming about Drew while sleeping beside Drew
phone talk with SW
three weeks of consistency and hard work by your help
you speak, you are not silent
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