Signs of Spring Festival

Hello dear faithful friends and readers of Chinese Neighbors!

Here's a sure sign that Spring Festival (Chinese New Year) is imminent: slabs of pork, fish, whole chickens, other dead things hanging from clothes lines and trees to dry, to be preserved for New Year's dinner. Initially I found these hanging meats repulsive, but now after a few years of genuinely enjoying them on the table, I spy fish on the clothes line and suddenly I'm hungry.

Pre-Spring Festival has been a busy time for both Drew and me.

Drew's been working early, late, weekends, finishing projects before the week-long holiday shutdown. I know for a fact that Drew is doing excellent professional work, and living out a good-news life before all as he does. In a company of 150 he was one of three to receive quarterly distinction for work performance. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as if serving the Master, not men.

Kids are off of school for a month, home with me. I'm glad for a season of spending each full day together with my boys. I'm glad it's only a season and they'll be back in preschool before March.

Recently many friends need comfort and support, this has required much time and emotional/social energy, but I reckon that's what time and energy is meant for -- encouraging friends.

college girl who feels unwelcome and belittled in her orphanage home 

young neighbor mom whose husband suddenly died 

close friend who is hospitalized for pneumonia 

grad student who is agonizing over an insufficient thesis and her own serious mishaps

auntie whose husband is wayward and whose alcoholic brother recently committed assault 

girl starting her first job, first solo apartment and feeling lonely and unsure 

neighbor mom undecided if she wants to abort her second baby or not 

dear friend pregnant, sick baby, facing family conflict, husband traveling, needs support 

co-teacher auntie from church hospitalized for illness 

new friend pregnant with first, scared about giving birth and raising a mixed kid in China 

old friend in tension with in-laws, high-pressure job, waning faith, wishing to get pregnant 

young mom regrettably pregnant with second and worried about depressed husband

...and more...seriously more

Remarkably, I find that the Burden-Bearer helps Drew and I to carry these loads quite lightly. Though we've been at times tired and in angst and tears, still we're persistently joyful.

If you are a person of prayer, would you keep us in mind these days? 

Chinese New Year's Day is Friday the 31st! 

Wishing you all prosperity, health and great happiness in the Year of the Horse!

counting the graces

thank you Father for

sunporch is warm and sunny, Titus's and my favorite place to read

Mandie's phone call

pink peonies still bloom

morning reading The Good Earth under the covers in bed

Jonathon having an excellent eating day, even handling thinly sliced apples and flakey egg roll cookies

Mai-Mai initiating apologies

strength for today

pretty candles to light, stem glasses and red cloth napkins when company's here in the evening

LJ letting me into her heart and her life, so glad to spend the afternoon and evening with her especially since Drew was working late

peace you afford when so much is wrong and hurt

can't get over how much I enjoy listening to our neighbor kid practice piano in the evenings 

two moms (Louise & Jen) and two dads (Mike & Jon) with whom we are of one heart and mind

Planted and Content

First, thank you everyone for wise words, kindness, and support in response to what I shared last time about parenting a kiddo with special needs. If you didn't get a chance, check out the incredible wealth of wisdom and sincerity packed in the comments section. Thank you all.



Panning out for a moment, so you can catch a glimpse of the big picture.

We are at such a content place in life.

Drew and I decided a couple weeks ago that I'm going to quit graduate school; it was simply too stressful. Sad to let it go, but I am free now! The possibilities are endless, and I am available to all kinds of dear people in this neighborhood, starting with those inside my home.

We seriously considered moving across the city to be closer to Drew's office, which is also in the vicinity of the orphanage and our Chinese church. It became clear that there is no need to uproot as we are presently grounded in the ideal spot. So we're settled!


There's a long list of things we love about our apartment and location:

• local preschool & primary school perfect fit for our boys, many advantages in both continuity and unique school culture
• we could not possibly live any closer to both schools, right in between the two
• edge of the mountain woods for hiking and camping
• access to familiar vegetable market, shopping, city buses, restaurants, coffeehouses etc.
• safe and quiet university campus with grass, trees, ponds, running track, yoga studio
• Drew appreciates his 30-minute bicycle commute to work twice a day
• rent is cheap and our homey apartment suits us fine
• familiar faces everywhere

The list of opportunities to encourage, support, reach out, share is much longer. (For example, throughout today I was privileged to connect meaningfully with seven different women friends, all different situations but the same Spirit at work in all.) Now with me freed up to empower Drew and meet needs around us, we already have a greater sense of satisfaction and purpose in our friendships here. The Master's plan to let our roots stretch down deeper into this neighborhood is kinda brilliant, certainly could not have planned it better ourselves. Because the possibilities are vast, Drew and I are going to carve out time this month to identify a focus and goals -- nothing rigid you know, but it's important to have a plan for intentionality.

counting the graces

thank you Father for

yoga, I love yoga, and making true friends at yoga

kids expressing their appreciation to mom, earnestness to help and saying, "妈妈辛苦了"

dentist: quality work, no cavities, impressive play area for boys, friendly staff, inexpensive

bus line directly from dentist to our destination, Subway at Dong Tang

all eager to visit and hug Daddy at work during the day

never imagined what sweet depth of intimacy and unity could be shared in marriage

what XK is going through
all that you arranged for E in Dec & Jan, your care is amazing!

 Drew and I challenging each other during Sat am fit tests on the track, kids playing in the sand pit

Tim Keller's discourse to lift the soul while fulfilling some menial task like tidying the office

Mike's superkisses

How many more mountains will Jonathon climb?

My thoughts and feelings are unformed and not ready to put into writing, so what you'll read now is me in-process, lots of vulnerability.

I remember clearly a sweltering August 2.5 years ago, Drew and I lying side-by-side on our bamboo mat in the dark, staring at the ceiling, scared and excited about bringing Jonathon home. He's proven irresistibly lovable, and I maintain that this child has more strength of character than anyone I have ever known: brave, kind, considerate, selfless, cooperative, affectionate.

Because he is so good-natured and above all possessing immeasurable inherent value, I have been reluctant to express difficulties on this blog. The difficulties do not reflect on Jonathon as a person, but on the challenges that he faces as a result of brain trauma. 

At times it's been hard and stressful caring for Jonathon's needs and figuring out how to address developmental delays -- that's what blindsided me more than anything. I was and still am unprepared to cope with special needs. As he's grown the disparity between his age and his developmental age grieves me. I didn't expect to sorrow over this, but when I see him struggling with certain tasks, indicating developmental problems, I feel sad. It grieves me to see how his body and mind function differently than a typically-developing child. I don't know how to process through it.

Sometimes I'm frustrated with and directly resentful at him, why can't you do this yet? Which is of course awful and unfair. I haven't figured out how to be the mom who is accepting of the child exactly how he is now, and yet doing everything possible to help him reach his potential. It writing it sounds like, duh, that's do-able, but I've found in real life it's complicated for me.

We miss support and guidance for parents of a special-needs child, and we are dismayed by our community's lack of understanding and nonrecognition of Jonathon's true condition. You know that people with disabilities are marginalized in this society -- there isn't a place for kids with special needs in mainstream schools, these children are abandoned to the welfare center or growing up uneducated at home. (Private preschools exist for the deaf and some other specific disabilities.) 

Our community tends to regard Jonathon one of two ways. First, more rarely, he's labeled as mentally retarded. Second, most common, with big cheesy smiles people downplay and his actual condition and challenges. These folks mean well and are trying to preserve the honor of Jonathon and us his parents, but the attitude invalidates our real-life struggle, "Jonathon's so great! The best! So normal!" Do you have any idea...  Just tonight a friend observing Jonathon stated, "He's completely normal just like other children." I responded, "Jonathon is not mentally retarded but he has developmental delays. He's nearly five years old and fits right into his 2 year-old preschool class. Recognizing his actual condition allows us to best accept, support and help him grow." It makes me feel lonely; we are the only few who see him for who he is, struggle to help him, grapple with the questions and emotions. We're thankful for our close relationship with Auntie Wang; having her intimately involved in our home life has felt supportive as she recognizes that Jon is wonderful but his care isn't simple.

So I am always saying aloud to Drew, a self-reminder:

Jonathon does not need to eat solid foods.

He doesn't need to complete this stupid puzzle.

He doesn't need to answer his name and age correctly every time.

He doesn't need to make progress pronouncing words.

He doesn't need to be able to put his shoes on or take his socks off.

He doesn't need to remember animal names and sounds.

He doesn't need to be potty-trained. 

He doesn't need to understand my question.

He doesn't need to be able to pedal his tricycle.

He doesn't need to swallow this breakfast.

He doesn't need to be able to apply enough pressure to color with crayons.

He doesn't need to sing the verses of this song.

He doesn't need to be competent in washing his hands.

He doesn't need to be able to open the door.

He doesn't need to stop holding hands with strangers on occasion.

He doesn't need to become more and more like a typically-developing kid.

and so forth...

He needs to be loved. He needs to know we accept him now. He needs to feel safe.

When Jonathon first came to us he was more than two years old and still crawling. We hiked up the mountain with him snuggled in the baby carrier. Jonathon now hikes the trails up to the peak, a long, rough walk, holding mom or dad's hand but conquering that mountain hike entirely on his own two feet.

How many more mountains will Jonathon climb?

It doesn't matter. At all.

Still, I believe in him.

Cuddler Gone Missing

Drew is on a last-minute business trip to represent the brand (www.ianker.com) at conventions in Las Vegas and Portland. Good news is that he's going to visit our families in Minnesota for two days! (it's been 3.5 years!) Sad news is that my cuddler is gone missing for ten days. Stinks so bad. Bleh. 

The absence of an attractive buddy to hang out with in the evening affords me this dull moment to post spectacular Christmas pictures!

Mike's preschool teachers hosted a family party for their class.

Passing on tradition; sweet moments at home.

Our emerging tradition is Christmas dinner with young adult friends who grew up in the orphanage. (This is year 3.)

I love them. Grateful, honest, unpretentious. Good company.

Example of their honesty. As I made the usual self-abasements like a humble cook is supposed to, "Sorry it's not very good, I can't really cook, I always add too much or too little salt..."

They responded thoughtfully, "Hmm well, you've improved."

We also sang together, with guitar. I have a video that I'd like to post later.

And yet more tradition! Singing at the South Church.

Friendships here mean a lot to us.

"I'd rather be opening presents"

Now I'll attempt to fall asleep in an empty, cold bed. Drew always jumps in first to intentionally warm up my spot then rolls over to the chilly side. He is nice to me.

 counting the graces

thank you Father for

an evening alone walking, talking, eating, making music with N&N

Auntie Wang is here to help while Drew is away

a room full of testimonies to your faithfulness this afternoon, so joyful, you're taking care of all your kids and loving them individually

this is the winter that's not winter; it's been sunny and autumn-like in January

neighbor Yafei and her warm, straightforward personality

my boys reading and discussing airplane book together

opportunity for Drew to be with our families

buttered bread

free because of You -- free to change course, free from judgment, worry, pleasing-people, trying to figure it out, fear of missteps,  mistakes and regrets -- free!