My story of overcoming an eating disorder needs to be shared.

While in Minnesota I unexpectedly met opportunities to share my story of overcoming bulimia with two different college women battling eating disorders. The encouragement that followed empathy and openness surprised me, and now compels me to be more open -- to be a voice of truth, to be a hope-giving testimony of healing.



At the core of my story there was pride, and this is hardest part to admit. Age 16-18, in my small-town circles I received affirmation for athleticism -- it's funny how you can remember these exact quotes from insignificant moments years ago -- teammate in the locker room envious, "Rachel! you seriously have the perfect body!" Bulky football player who looked me in the eyes when I was on the stairclimber, "Hey Rachel, you're lookin awesome." My mother, "Geez Rach, you almost look like you could be in a magazine." And so on.

Comments like these were not ill-intended, but what I chose to do with them was destructive. Already a perfectionist, one who hated to show weakness, I built my identity upon...it's sad to confess... feeling superior to others. Glory.

To college. Grieved that I wasn't a noteworthy athlete or anybody now. Seldom felt superior to anyone. Always jealous. Couldn't figure out what the heck made me significant anymore. Lost the joy of sports and became foremost concerned with that perfect image. Started messing around with fasting and ending up binging because I was overly hungry. Awkwardly made myself vomit and swore I'd never do it again. But the cycle persisted until I felt swept away in a force that was stronger than me.


Someone, was it Tim Keller? has said that pride is the petri dish in which all other sorts of sins spawn and fester.


As the eating disorder frighteningly claimed more territory in my life, I sought help from university counseling. A free life in Christ was my earnest desire -- I knew that's what I needed, the only way out -- yet I still held tightly to my pride, conflicted. May I allude to a parable? My identify, where I found significance, was precariously built partially on the Rock and partially on the sand. Which doesn't work. It's clearer in hindsight but at the time I was confused.


After two years of trying to make it, I with my counselor, parents and fiancé Drew, decided to take a semester off from college to get specialized help from an eating disorder clinic. For eight months I worked with a gifted therapist and nutritionist as an outpatient.

Besides the clinic, I had the warm support of many brothers and sisters in faith -- friends, housemates, mentors and professors at college and people in the community of Hutchinson Ev. Free Church. One of my fears was that I'd let everybody down as it became known that I was in treatment for bulimia. Then I'd be discounted, discredited, disqualified. I was ashamed. But you know? Absolutely nobody judged me or doubted my faith, nobody told me you shouldn't be struggling with this or what kind of Christian are you. People believed in me, respected and valued me, allowed me to keep using my gifts even as I was still working out my problems. So much grace, so much kindness and patience. I felt there was an entire community that only wished for me to be well.


I did get well. Now I continue to be intentional in staying well -- notice I did not say I'm over it, it's done, behind me -- I continue to be intentional in staying well.

In regards to pride, can I say that I have killed pride? No, of course not. I only continue to gradually shed layers of worthless baggage and let my soul sink deeper into God's truth like a big soft sofa. This has all been the work of Jesus.

counting the graces

thank you Father for

something pink and perfect for Mandie's birthday

Drew fills my soul up with happiness, how can so much joy spring from just being with one particular person?

Jon doing a fantastic job biting down with molars on tough sweet potato sticks
pink roses still bloom outside our apartment building

painting Christmas trees with my kids, they were delighted

my sweet bro taking the initiative to talk on skype and asking a million questions, because he cares

Sunny speaking well at my home group in Minnesota, reportedly her story was captivating

familiar sound of home: roaming knife-sharpener man calling up to our apartment windows "knife sharping! knife sharpening!"

Autumn Mosaic

oh Hi! hi! HI! Did you miss us?

Since last post, Mike and I traveled to the United States and back. (It was awesome.)
Drew and his entire company spent a week in Thailand. (It was decent.)

More about US & Thailand next time. Right now I want to share a handful of happy times from this fall.


So here we go!
Botanical & Butterfly Garden with our neighbor friends, a talkative couple and their kid Rui Rui.

One day at church a lady gave Mike this gum, with specific instructions about not swallowing it but rather spitting it out after chewing for a time. He took this charge very seriously and it was just cute how determined he was to follow the prescribed steps -- chew, spit, discard in waste bin.

Here we are in our concrete neighborhood, with one of my friends who is in California for a few months, and I'm missing her here. We spent a lot evenings roaming around with our kids, in unbeatable fall weather, discussing her secret plans.

Last dinner with the Krieg family & Showman family. So sad! Showmans finding their place in Texas now, and getting treatment for their baby boy. Miss them like crazy.

Titus came home from school with a clear vision for his homework assignment, a poster collage about himself. He threw in some mixed media for good measure and wrote his name on the top.

One sweltering autumn day I pulled these two brothas out of preschool for a date with me, their mother. Grandma Xia runs a neighborhood shop, and she's is always giving them free lollipops and funny things such as a bag of like 12 pairs of shoes retrieved from the trash.

This family is amazing. Amazing. But I don't have time to tell you why right now. I just want to mention that Titus and their boy Niu Niu hit it off playing trucks and dirt, followed by an equally exciting bath together.

Twice this fall I spent Saturday night on the volleyball court, with all men, all older and better athletes than me. Six or seven years have passed since I've really played, and I'm heartsick for competitive sports. Problem is...they're hard to come by. If I was a man and loved mediocre basketball I'd have a million chances to get dribbling. Women's volleyball? Might as well forget it. Even this guys' group only had a couple slots for court-time all season. Well. I had fun those two times.

This woman is a nice granny from whom I like to buy vegetables, produce she grows herself. Oddly enough, she got ahold of some crumpled up faith-literature and saved it for me wrapped up in a plastic bag, "You Western people know about this right? I don't really get it."

Friend's new baby.

These young'uns, all fresh out of undergraduate programs, are my kind classmates. We had Western Sociological Theory and Chinese Society together this semester. They're all sociology majors; I'm the only culutral anthro major. Here we are in my living room eating lunch together.

At home, "Are You My Mother?" has been read in a frequency disproportionate to that of all other stories.

Babysitting a Showman kiddo. In this scene we are digging next to the excavated tomb of an ancient king of Changsha. Unfortunately we did not uncover any priceless artifacts that day, just some bricks.

Guys sent Matt off to Texas with one last outdoor Chinese BBQ, one last round of Tsingtaos. Seriously Matt we miss your grin and all that scintillating conversation.

How to cut up a Pineapple.

Fishing with friends. Catch of the day: one minnow.

counting the graces...just from today

thank you Father for

Drew is home - his embrace, his voice, his laugh, his stories, his joy, his stabilizing effect on our household

Titus's eyes have the same empathetic and caring expression as Drew

live traditional folk music at the riverside

play area and ball pit at the restaurant, so the boys were content during the long baby-birthday lunch banquet

friends who understand that I'm tired, and I don't have to force myself to be talkative

Walked the Wall for China's abandoned and disabled

International China Concern is making waves, improving the lives of many young people with disabilities in Changsha and neighboring-city Hengyang. So proud to have this organization in our own community! Inside orphanages they are raising standards of care. They are empowering disabled adults with job skills and semi-independent living. Personally, I think ICC's initiative offering therapy to families with special-needs kids and thereby prevent abandonment is so exciting and brilliant! 

Last weekend our family and visiting friends -- Emily & Jesse and their sweet baby Ezekiel -- joined Walk the Wall march to raise awareness and funds. A group of Drew's coworkers participated. We exchanged smiles with lots of kids and staff who we know from the orphanage. Wheelchairs rolled alongside the 1500 who walked. In a nation that's a little sensitive about public demonstrations, that's a privilege and a great success.

Here's to Changsha's special-needs folks -- dignified, capable and valuable.

International China Concern website.

counting the graces

thank you Father for

unexpectedly, classes are over, so I won't miss any while in MN, and I have all of Dec. to write two term papers

Mike singing songs from preschool

Amy posting a wise and loving letter from Grandpa Gordy; Julia sharing encouraging insights in email

cousins new babies: Essie and Gordon

kids' imaginative, cooperative play on the sunporch -- hangers, a tent and a bench become a moon-bound manned space rocket

Auntie Wang's joyful support this week

Julie will have rides to China Place -- only you could have arranged that so perfectly

raincoats and rainboots for a stormy morning walk to school, to keep the boys dry and warm

Drew has to work on a project after-hours but he has such a good attitude about it

Small Feature on Local News Site

Although this video is in Chinese, perhaps it can give you a feel for aspects of our life in Changsha. We hope that for local Chinese viewers it will serve to raise awareness and advocate for our local children in need of families.

(How did this come about? It was a friend who recommended our story to her friend, a reporter. Why do I resemble a zombie? As I recall, it had been a long day and I fulfilled the evening interview somewhat begrudgingly.)

counting the graces

thank you Father for

captivated by anthropology textbook, in the 10th floor study cafe, windows open and sun warming my skin

kids did not protest going to school today

comfortable and honest communication with Auntie Wang, and she was eager to come four days rather than two

expert direction from Jon's speech therapist Angela in Shanghai

just me and Drew and nobody else around

chance to remind the truth to ZT, and also share in our enthusiam for our respective research

eclectic group of dinner guests tonight, yet, lively interaction and meaningful conversation, including testimony