Remember, Criticism = Love

Titus' friend JJ wears split-bottom pants. All six layers of pants (yes, six) are cut open so he can pee/poop at will. On really cold days JJ wears this thermal wrap-around skirt, to protect his exposed parts from getting too drafty.


Titus: age 14 months.
JJ: age 23 months.
Sometimes JJ uses Titus as a punching bag, but they're still best friends.


Lou and son.


In my last post I mentioned that Chinese people like to be together. It's simple: Chinese culture = collectivistic; American culture = individualistic. Not only do Chinese want to share experiences, they want to share in decision making. That is why I get all kinds of childcare advice from from friends and complete strangers. As a person who was enculturated in an individualistic society, I find lots of culture conflict when I hear remarks like this, usually accompanied with a scowl and a disapproving tone:

"You're feeding him garbage food."
"He has a fever. Open the windows."
"You should give him medicine now."
"Whoa. He is wearing too little clothing!"
"His clothes are too few. He will get sick."
"Is your baby cold? He must be cold."
"He's very cold!"
"Don't have him wear a hat."
"You're pregnant. You don't want to go to Chinese class. You'll get sick."
"You must wear a face mask on the bus or in the supermarket. You might get H1N1."
"Don't you have any pants thicker than this for him?"
"Don't use diapers. It's a bad."
"Your diaper method is not too good."
"He doesn't like to wear that diaper, don't use it."
"Put medicine on that mosquito bite."
"This baby carrier is bad. Your baby is hot and uncomfortable."
"His socks are too tight."
"His shoes are too big."
"That snack is too dry. He can't eat it."
"Your baby sleeps too much."


Can you imagine, in America, your family members or complete strangers saying this stuff to you? How would you feel after a day of this? We would say "Hey. I'M the parent. Mind your own business." In China you don't mind your own business. WE decide together. We take criticism NOT as criticism, but loving concern.

In terms of child-rearing, there are some wonderful positives about this collectivistic culture that we enjoy immensely! Unlike the US, people usually don't have their own houses, cars, yards, or even their own siblings, here in China. They can't isolate like we Americans might...they love to be together, and they love for their children to be together. People love kids. Everybody calls little ones "Small Friend" or "Little Brother/Little Sister". We call our elders "Uncle/Aunt." People spontaneously congregate in public areas so their little ones can play together. Titus never comes home empty-handed; every time we're out he's given oranges, crackers, cookies, grapes, sweet potatoes, potatoes, fried bread, etc. When we go to restaurants, the waitresses make friends with Titus and play with him or hold him while we're eating. Strangers let strangers hold and play with their little ones. Chinese people love kids!

So anyway, the pictures are of Titus' friend JJ, and my friend Lou who is especially kind and particularly critical of me. I mean loving. They're always coming over to our house, unannounced, to play. Which is cool. One day Lou & JJ came over, Titus was still napping, Lou didn't even ask me -- she just went in and got him up from his nap.

Rachel