7:30am, a group converges at our apartment, driving two vehicles 7+ hours across the province to our new home. They wanted to see us off and check out our new neighborhood, which happens to be a beautiful rural destination.
So friends, it may be a few days until we get our bearings (and our internet). The next time you hear from me I will be writing from a river valley village in the mountains.
counting the graces
thank you Lord
for these hymns playing tonight, indelible grace music
last-night in Changsha bike ride, it was so Changsha -- hot, noisy, everybody out after dark, lights, horns, construction, dusk and bbq
maybe it's not all going to fit in the truck? but we don't worry, it'll work out somehow
praying today with Peng Peng and Wang Ayi, Peng Peng's lunch especially that fish of hers that first welcomed us to this city
I thought I was feeling okay about this move, it's all cool, until this morning. Right after I soaked my heart in the Psalms and resolved to love my neighbor and trust God, right after I sent a voice message to my family saying, basically, no problem doing great! Less than a minute later, a flash argument with Drew about a key -- a key -- and suddenly there was an explosion, "Just forget it!" and I did chuck that book of Psalms right across the sunporch, splaying out the pages crumpled against the floor. Before Drew had a chance to respond I was already running up the mountain trails.
Well, don't worry. We made things right before Drew started his first office meeting of the day, hit the reset button. Now I squarely face reality: I am grieving + I am stressed. That combo. Of course I am grieving for all the people here, seven and and half years of the good kind of co-dependence, but you know? I am also going to miss this physical apartment, where all the life happened. Joyful, sorrowful, angry, desperate, celebratory, meaningful -- there was so much living and growing inside these 80 square meters on the sixth floor. It was good! SO good. I am thankful.
Now to release.
Release this place, and to a degree, all these relationships.
And yet, all that living and growing goes along with us:
Buoyant immaterial strength woven into our beings. Taking that with.
I think, I hope, this is what we leave our friends with as well.
counting the graces
thank you Father for unmerited favor
Qingzi, a wonderful tutor for Titus, and we were a family for this young girl alone in the big city
you keep me steady when the sky is falling, I keep steady after you...so let the stars drop whatever comes I'll be ready, you keep me steady
Drew is always lightning-quick to reconcile, appreciate that about him
Reuben's third birthday -- he is cherished now, and we got to see photos of how his dearest celebrated with him
learning from David's example to be emotionally honest in prayer, say it like it is rather than pretending I'm otherwise, and then letting you respond
it says that you actually do catch all of my tears, yes, you know and care deeply
it's been an unusually cool July so far
a little more liberation from evaluating self based on the reaction of people -- a little more evaluating self based on if I have complied with you
These are the words of Ann Voskamp, author of One Thousand Gifts -- her story that changed mine -- and testimony-teller at A Holy Experience:
I just know that no one need adopt if they think they get to sign up to be some Savior White Barbie swooping into rescuing any abandoned child because the truth of it is: You’re the one rescued — you can’t rescue anybody. You only get to hold on to the Rescuer.
I just know that no one gets to mug for the camera with a flash of pearly whites and their newly adopted family without stepping into a story of trauma. The only way a family is made through adoption — is for someone to lose a family first. The only way anyone gets to adoption is through a door of loss and unless you fully feel the depth of that loss, the door you’re walking through leads to nowhere honest.
I just know there’s a whole lot I don’t know at all and no one ever brings home any new child, born or adopted, without pain. Children only come to us through pain — like love only comes to us with pain.
They say that 77% of practicing Christians believe Christians have a responsibility to adopt, but only 5% of Christians have adopted — and I get why it’s tempting to think you shouldn’t adopt and someone else should and I get the choking fears and I get the questions that won’t stop haunting and I get that supporting adoption doesn’t mean that we’re all called to adopt because caring for orphans looks different for each of us, but it has to look like something — and I never stop getting over how Jesus left the 99 for the 1 and the whole focus of our Father is fighting for orphans, making them sons and daughters.
God searched for you, found you, fought for you, signed the papers with His blood and He adopted you and brought you Home –and the only way any of us get into the family of God is through the most painful adoption.
If real belief cares for the orphans — can one be a believer and not be caring for at least one orphan in some small way?
Adoption is all of the broken’s story.
We’re all sort of a different kind of the same kind of broken.
thank you, I can't thank you enough the Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit I sought the Lord and he answered me, he delivered me from my fears many are the afflictions of people who live God's way, but the Lord delivers them out of them all none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned for the ever-failing, recovering perfectionist, Jesus is my perfect. it's better that way -- liberation loving friends we finished our study of 1 John, and it was a rich, satisfying, and life-changing year brothers & sisters want to drive us out to our new house when we move for the strength you supply to Drew, carrying heavy stress at work and handling it like a champion for how much Titus has learned and grown this year in first grade, his wonderful attitude for forgiving me when I'm mean, strict & too results-focused all the good news from Minnesota home & family your VOICE OF TRUTH leading us to release...
our morning light together, with your recorded Story, a glass ball jar of green tea and Taiqi flute soft through the open windows
meeting a kindred God-seeker at the mountain lake, a broken up woman desperately worshipping the only god she knows, Buddha / the universe
Titus & Mike being right there to talk about it...and all kinds of deep things we've encountered recently, like the duckling who didn't develop properly
one cool afternoon with no class, two happy boys with new fishing nets, a mountain and a lake
making it safely through an intense three-day weekend of multiple big dinner gatherings, goodbye parties faithful from the South Ch who have loved us so good
seeing Jen on the phone today, and seeing all the photos of her graduation party with both sets of parents, all our sibs there together
Mandie, for initiating that connection, and also for bringing Ethan back to MN
air conditioning, ice and popsicles
leftovers from friends for an easy weeknight dinner joy of open hands, letting material possessions go and obtaining a fuller life instead
It's a big day for our family! Today, our dossier -- the culmination of all documents we have been preparing in stages for the past nine months -- has been submitted to the Chinese governing body which oversees adoption affairs.
Months earlier we were "locked in" with pre-approval to adopt Reuben, and now wait for China's final approval to complete his adoption. Paperwork remains with US Immigration, and then we will receive China's invitation to travel and bring Reuben home. Another two or three months will pass before that day.
Last night in the dark, strolling around the campus pond, Drew and I reflected on the good timing of Reuben's homecoming. We had hoped for June, before his third birthday on July 4th. That would have been less than ideal for Reuben, as we are uprooting with a major move on July 10th. He is in a rich and loving environment presently, in a temporary group foster home. We will move house first, become grounded, and bring him into an established home life. Thanks be to God for his wisdom in directing the course Reuben's life and ours, weaving us together in just the right season.
Reu looks somber in these photos, but we happen to know that he is a silly, smiley, active and peppy little kiddo.
Oh my this is really happening! I'm going to be a Mama again! Drew is Baba to one more, Titus is the big BIG bro, and Michael isn't the youngest in this home for the first time.
Reuben is restored to family. For the rest of his life, he's got us all: Daddy, Mommy, brothers, other siblings to come? (I think YES) grandparents, great-grandmas, aunts, uncles, and cousins. All his!
Grace to behold, this child given -- to touch someone holy, breathe in his scent, feel his heart beat and chest rise and fall with breath in next to my own, know and delight in his ever-growing personality, weave in our selves and grow up together, to treasure and affirm all he is -- our Reuben.
counting the graces by Titus
thank you Father for
having a lot of good time at school
helping me to eat my lunch faster
getting to do a lot of jobs at home, like vacuuming my room, hanging clothes, washing dishes
my friends Zhao Zixuan, Ting Ting, Xu Ximing, Xun Junjie
getting to wear sandals
going to Pingtan and the time is almost up so I'm really happy
getting to have a time with Waigong & Waipo at the beach
"Mai Mai, Mr. Chen told me you were whimpering all morning at school. Why were you so sad?"
"Because I did not get a mording hug."
Drew usually takes Mike to kindergarten, but since he has been traveling often this spring, Mike and I have shared many walks to school. I like to carry him, like this, our faces close together so we can talk and smooch on the road. Mike calls it our mording hug. After a stretch of weeks, finally Drew was reinstated as the escort and apparently, Daddy was unaware of the mording hug protocol. "You can walk, son." The little boy was dropped off so emotionally unfulfilled and disappointed that he cried all morning!
Daddy understands the significance of mording hug now.
Mording hug means so much to the boy that, to him, it symbolizes our love and relationship. He found a blank note card in our house, drew this picture of us in mording hug mode, sealed and presented the envelope to me as a surprise.
I'll never forget this. Ever.
Is it because very soon Mike will no longer be our youngest, our baby?
Is it because those mording hugs mean just as much to me too?
It is because he is turning six years-old next month?
It is because he lost his first tooth yesterday?
It is because we recently uncovered these little-Mike videos from the archives?
Mike steps on one rat.
Look, Mom. Gone. No rats!
Mike is expecting a baby, Jack baby.
Babies need food, breakfast, and ice cream.
Mike is a big, scary lion.
ROOOAAAARR!
It's probably all of those reasons. These days, I am treasuring my Michael Isaac.
'Specially our mording hugs.
counting the graces
thank you Father for
catching up with Ethan on skype, thank you for a loving, caring brother!
Mike lost a tooth, and he's ready to be a big brother to Reuben
snuggling with Titus & Mike in the dawn light
waking to birds' song
the pounding rain last night
day of rest on a Wednesday, no place we had to go, school off for Children's Day
real food
Drew's affection
working repaired internet
time to exercise every morning, I do not take this for granted! thank you!
kids helping to put on fitted sheets and returning the mattress to its frame, put away dishes, wash dishes, pick up their room
Zhao Zixuan, our best buddy who knows where we keep the chopsticks and hot sauce in the kitchen -- he's been here for many meals
healing my body
teaching me how to abide in grace, so I can start again at any moment -- rather than stumbling in self-reliant perfectionism which is paralyzing
GRACE! I have discovered your grace in a new way, I am made new yet again, growing up, thank you
cloud of witnesses, family
Nan, Sam and Ben visiting our home, bringing their joyful spirits and affirmation, their stories as testimony to your kindness
inspiration for music this Sunday
Ps 62 & 63 this am, "for you alone my soul waits in silence" -- I abandon the course of our lives to your design! my mental space is stayed on you, what joy
This past weekend Titus, Michael and I made the half-day train and bus trip to Pingtan village, our future home. Moving date is set for July 10th -- about one month! Drew couldn't make it because, well, he's doing business in several cities of Saudi Arabia for about two weeks. Earlier we had planned to meet our landlord and sign the rental housing contract this weekend. Rather than delaying, we decided that I would go without Drew and handle the matter.
Done.
This was no small feat.
Here we are in our landlord, Wu Zhe's empty home -- our future home -- where he and his enormous extended family had gathered to prepare an impressive dinner. They went through serious pains to offer hospitality, not to mention having recently renovated the kitchen and bathrooms in anticipation of our moving in.
This is the day I had to be a man, in Drew's place. All the ladies and children were seated at a side table, all the men relatives at the main table, and me in the place of honor next to Wu Zhe, where Drew would have been. In God's grace I had a blast keeping up with man-toasting and joking and political village talk in this immensely significant meal that outweighs any signature on a contract.
Then we did sign, but only because we had said all the right things and clanked our glasses together fifty times prior.
Wu Zhe, his wife Ou Rong and child Q-Mei were all at the lunch, and saw us of at the bus station the next day too.
HEY.
Wanna see a few sneak peaks of our house?
That wasn't very satisfying was it? I know. I'll get more next time. When we move in!
The house is a traditional wooden Dong structure with three levels. The first level is a concrete basement, a place for animals, farm implements, mud and firewood. Level two is the living space, kitchen, bathroom and what will be our homeschool room. The upstairs has three bedrooms and a landing space. The walls and floors are single planks of wood, and very beautiful. Electrical is run in casings outside the walls. There is no heating or cooling, or insulation, but I think it's probably not really necessary. Turn on a fan in the summer, layer up in the winter.
Positionally, the house is crunched in between relatives' homes on all four sides. We won't have much breeze or sun exposure, but that's ok because who would want to do her living indoors when she is in a gorgeous green mountain river valley? Neighbors' walls are just a foot from our own, and sounds travel well through those pretty wood planks, but I see an advantage here too: Our sounds, our lives are transparent, exposed, and immersed right in the midst of our neighbors'.
Plus. Get this y'all. I timed the walk to school -- behind the chicken coop, around the rice paddy, past the altar to local spirits and BAM! Titus & Mike are at the school gate in only 43 seconds. We are also just a skip from the river, mountain trails, and the main road which has general stores, a post office and a somewhat-hourly bus into town.
I suppose since photos of our home were few, at least I could show you a little more of the village! Every five days there is a market.
There is so much more to show you, but let's pause here, ok? I hope you're beginning to dream about coming to visit. Or even... coming to live here. It's a beautiful environment, home to hard-working, warm, trustworthy folks. There is much redemptive work aching to be carried out, and whispers of a redemptive message waiting to be articulated.
counting the graces
thank you Father for
recently a deeper understanding of the boundless grace that you have extended to me personally, and connecting this to Romans 6-7
N&N's empowerment
that liberated moment walking around the village at dusk on the first night thinking, I'm home
seeing for miles and green miles across the misty mountains early in the morning
smooth, tight connections, quiet and clean travel with two helpful companions, Titus & Mike
purple little wildflowers growing at Titus schoolyard here in Changsha
staying up late around the fire pit, and playing guitars with N&N
dreaming of decorating our new house, cleaning up the junk yard out front, making use of the adjacent empty chicken coop
dreaming of sharing this beautiful village home with my visiting parents, and someday other siblings too
