Counting the graces while grieving

The purpose of this blog is to show you a representative picture of our lives. We experience both joy and sorrow.

Friday night Drew met me at the door, weeping. Heartbreaking news from family on the other side of the world. We have been grieving deeply, yet with hope. If you are a person who prays, please remember us, trying to be a good support to our family.

We've been practicing the discipline of giving thanks in all circumstances. This one, too.

counting the graces

thank you Father for

• impeccable timing of a skype call from a friend, shared values, deep understanding
• beautiful fall photos of a mother and her son
• jars of homemade pickled hot peppers and ginger, gift from older sister
• this pain, you didn't create it, but you allowed us to experience it and it's teaching trust and fostering growth. thank you, we know you grieve more than we do
• husband Drew, submits to you as king in everything and this has made all the difference
• your word, we'd be reckless and winding without it. soaked in, perspective aligned and heart stops racing and we hope
• teachable moment with Titus. he was ungrateful, a struggle I know too well. a long talk about heart issues, his changed, felt need for you
• rats have been away for several weeks now
• neighborhood garbage lady's been saving up kids shoes from the trash. she surprised us with a bag full, tender and humbling kindness
• afternoon nap
• this place, home. these neighbors, living behind the mountain, our university and preschool, our little apartment
• sunshine and cold wind through purple eyelet curtains 
• two brothers, ages 2 and 4, apologizing sincerely, forgiving sincerely
• repentance. sometimes I don't go that way as fast as I should, but I won't take that option for granted, even the option to repent is grace
• my flaws, Drew's flaws, so many shortcomings and often lacking for wisdom, we remember how dependent and needy we are
• new coffeeshop, green tea latte with whip
• waterproof bedsheets over the boys' mattresses
• four parents, alive, beloved
• me and Drew and a bottle of wine to take the edge off sorrow. a game, before each drink, one must propose a toast in Chinese, two lines, and it must rhyme. clink! laugher even!
• song: faithful, you are faithful, I have found nothing but good in your heart / loving, you are loving, I am in love with the way that you are / thankful, I am thankful, I had been running away on my own / and then you found me, oh how you love me / I know you'll never leave me alone
• Drew's good feeling after taking that Chinese test, several months of hard work
• Mikey says cute stuff every day, "hey buddy" "not funny" "ugga mugga, boogers"
• Jon can now answer the question, "what's your name?" he replies, "Jon!"
• sufferings that identify us with your suffering
• homemade bread and snicker doodles, generously shared at friend's home
• this confidence, not afraid of insult and difficulty with you by our side, calm, joyful to extend grace as you have extended much grace to us

Who knew being home in the evening could be so good

Four or five nights a week we are all home together, with nowhere to be and no one to see. This is good and intentional because Titus is in school four days per week 8:20am-5:20pm and we want to focus on him for the three hours we get him on those days.

Usually in the evenings I go joggin in the dark (Rachel-style, putsy and brief) after the kids are in bed, while man of the house washes dishes (Drew-style, blietzkriegwash). Then we pick up toys, strum a little guitar or read, and let me tell you, it's NICE.

Now for some nonsense from the 4 year-old and the 26 year-old.

 

p.s. just wanted to mention, if you ever see or read something weird on here regarding how we live life and wonder, "now why in the world do they do it that way?" you are welcome ask us. likely there is a logical philosophy prompting the action. (...or a survival requirement.)

counting the graces

thank you Father for

the thinnest prettiest green beans you ever did see

our kids talking to each other in Chinese

hug from a friend

answers to prayers

Mike fell off a tree branch but he was fine

home videos of our pudgy babies

the neighbor shopkeeper reminds drew to buy milk

Jade-Flower

Yes, I remember, you stopped by last week. I was sleeping on the couch. I was tired... you wanna come in, sit down?

I'm new in Changsha, only been here a few months. We just opened this place a few weeks ago, finished remodeling. Changsha is ok, but I'm not familiar with this place. I don't really know anyone at all here.

My kids are already grown up. My daughter's twenty-one and my son's nineteen. Can you believe that I have kids that old? I'm almost forty, haha, I'm old. I can show you their pictures on my computer here... yeah, I like to play these internet games, just something to do... ok here, this is my son. People say he's handsome. haha. He cut his bangs like that, you know, it's the style right now. My daughter's finished school, she's working. My son's in junior college, training for something. I haven't seen them for a long time. Sometimes we give each other a call.

My husband? Well...we... haven't been together for a long time. I don't know where he is, really... he's in contact with the kids though. He has helped support them. I moved across the country and got married when I was just a teenager, and had a baby right away. I was still a kid then! Just a child with a child. I didn't understand things. After the babies were born... their dad and I went our separate ways. When they were about three and five years old I moved away to find work. They stayed in our hometown and their grandmother and other family members raised them.

You want a cigarette? I smoke for something to do, when I'm bored. I don't have a favorite brand, any kind's fine, the flavor's all about the same.

That guy? Yeah, we've been together for awhile. He's alright. You know, I used to be in Shanghai doing this work for like ten years. I've been doing this work for a long, long time. In Shanghai business was fine, I could get about 35-40 yuan [US$5-6] from each customer. We decided to come to Changsha together, move our business. My man's alright, but he's got a temper and he doesn't say much. I haven't talked with anyone all day. It's really boring. This is the most I've talked with anyone today. Maybe that's why I'm saying so much.

Actually... it doesn't matter... it doesn't matter if I tell you... but no one else knows this. No one knows that I'm in Changsha now. All my friends, my family, they think I'm still in Shanghai. They call me, say, I want to come visit you... I just tell them, no, no, I'll come see you sometime. I'm embarrassed... my kids, my family... I don't want them to find out that I'm doing this kind of work. So it's a secret.

The young girl you saw last week? She came by here when we first opened, asked if she could try working here. I taught her what to do. But I haven't seen her since last week. Don't know where she came from, don't know where she went.

Sorry... I can't write my name very well. I didn't even finish elementary school. I had to start working to support the family. I'm the oldest. I have two sisters and one little brother. They all finished some level of school, junior high or university. Anyway, that's my name, Jade-Flower.

I'm glad to make friends with you too. You're welcome to come back here if you have time.

***

During our entire forty-minute conversation, I was seated on a red couch facing her back. She sat relaxed on a stool an arm's reach away, making steady eye contact with me through a mirror over the desk.

Extended Family & Uncle Li

Recently I turned the last page of The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog, case studies in children's trauma and recovery compiled by Dr. Bruce Perry, who writes of extended family:

"The modern world has disrupted and in many cases abandoned the fundamental biological unit of human social life: the extended family. There has been so much emphasis on the breakdown of the nuclear family, but I believe that in many cases the extended family, whose dissolution has been much less discussed, is at least as important.... it can make the difference between a young couple who are able to cope and raise a healthy child and one where one or both parents becomes overwhelmed and neglectful.... For countless generations humans lived in small groups, made up of 40 to 150 people, most of whom were closely related to each other and lived communally. In the year 2000 the average size of a household was less than four, and a shocking 26% of Americans live alone.... The world we live in is now biologically disrespectful; it does not take into account many of our most basic human needs..." (Perry, 2006, p. 223)

We're removed from extended family. As with many in diaspora, Drew and I miss the child-rearing support of grandparents, aunts and uncles. Our kids have few close, trusted adults who have known them from birth and will stay near into their adulthood.

Father knows this too.

So we don't fret.

Though friends like Uncle Li could never replace extended family, this guy is a familiar, loving big buddy for our boys, a provision for our need of family. We are grateful, and the US peeps who miss us are glad too.

This summer stranger Li stopped me on the sidewalk, "Hey...I've seen you before at fellowship I think." That's how we met initially. He's a postgrad, gentle guy, humble, chill, positive, engages with the boys on their level. He single-handedly babysat our three while we went on that date. (heroic.) He lives on our campus, so every weekend we meet up and trek to fellowship. Drew and Li are working through a book together (using the Chinese edition).

Uncle Li invited us to the zoo this week. Pretty decent, we thought. Although...patrons can purchase a slab of pork and teasingly dangle it into the tigers' domain, and children may pay to hand-feed oranges to the hippo. On Lemur Island trillions of kids run wild, spoon-feeding zillions of friendly lemurs while a zookeeper, wielding bamboo rod, whacks diffident lemurs from the treetops.

counting the graces

thank you Father for

asparagus at the market! yay!
rocking mike to sleep

woman revealing her story to me

the ability to understand and speak chinese

those peculiar animals you dreamed up

nothing to fret, you know every need

skype

all our extended family members, they're treasure

Bright Red

These pictures were almost forgotten, intended to be shared with you much earlier. While in Zhang Jia Jie we noticed this red steeple along the riverside. Thirty minutes to kill before train departure, we stopped by the empty building and tried to get in. The front doors were locked and missing their handles. Along the sides we peeked into windows, finally attracting the attention of groundskeeper woman who was listening to a white hand-held audio Bible player (popular item). She and another elder brother kindly showed us around.

Don't read into any of this. Merely describing what we saw.

The structure was completed in the 90s, facades now cracking off and layers of dust caking on all surfaces, scent of cat urine rising up from basement staircase. Faded photos of three middle-aged women pastors were taped on the bulletin board. According to the groundskeeper, 2000 souls file in on the weekend. One crippled man with dark skin and white beard sat under trees of the front yard, his possessions a canvas bag and that same little Bible-player gadget. The neighborhood garbage pile was burning and blowing smoke across the front-porch view of the mountains. A few paces down the road, in the home materials market, large bath tiles decorated with erotic images of women, for sale.

related: here's a description of the legal church in Changsha.

unrelated

counting the graces

thank you Father for
a humbling moment

Drew's facial moles

small hot-air balloon lanterns rising away over dark river, stippling black sky
Titus sleeping beside us, we awake to his 4am laughter, "I had a funny dream!"

frozen bananas